A few pointers.

[powerof0ne]

I know we have many instructors on here more experienced than myself. I thought this would be a good place to drop some pointers for us all to share.

One that I have been made obviously clear recently, upon reflecting and a recent event:

Often those that you help out too much, are the ones that take it for granted...and sometimes bite your hand.

Sort of along the lines of: I'd rather teach a Man how to fish, instead of giving him the fish.

Over the last few years, I let one student train for free, gave her a new dogi and kumite gear. Her excuse was that she had no money, but when Christmas rolled around, everybody but me got a present . She also quit soon after. Now, not getting a present is what stings, it's the principle of it all. Yesterday, somebody I have tried to help out, who I used to be involved with in martial arts tried to berate me and guilt trip me into helping him more. He also tried to imply I'm not ready to be an instructor as part of this. I wish I recorded the phone conversation. I have met up with him for coffee, lunch, brought him places (I drove because he currently doesn't have a car). I paid for everything with him, too.

So again, I say: Often those that you help out too much, are the ones that take it for granted...and sometimes bite your hand.
Osu!

[babyface]

You give respect to get respect in return.

You help out because you want to and hopefully one day get something back in return just a thank you would do.

My shihan will do a lot of me get a me a t shirt a gi train me for free or what ever. One way or another I always try do for him be it train super hard or get him somthing in return.

[powerof0ne]

Oct 18, 2013 5:05:16 GMT -5 babyface said:

You give respect to get respect in return.

You help out because you want to and hopefully one day get something back in return just a thank you would do.

My shihan will do a lot of me get a me a t shirt a gi train me for free or what ever. One way or another I always try do for him be it train super hard or get him somthing in return.

It goes beyond this. Like I said when I originally posted this, the student I bought sparring gear, dogi, and let train for free not getting me a Christmas present...it's not that she didn't get me a present, it's the principle of it.

I started this thread, in hopes that other instructors would chime in with some of their pointers, that they've learned over the years. No disrespect meant to you, but just stating what the purpose of this thread is.
Osu!

[babyface]

osu.

[shugyo]

I suppose that it goes back to the Instructors Maxim. One states that an instructor should never get close to any student. Keep it business, for a lack of a better way. The Maxim is speaking as a warning to instructors. When not following the Maxim, the lines between teacher and student become quite blurred. Students begin to think that the instructor owes said student something. If the student fails a testing cycle, for example, the student wonders, out loud, the "Why's" of it all. Giving tangible things to students can be interpreted incorrectly by the student(s), and in that, the downward spiral begins.

I've been teaching just over 46 years, and my Dai-Soke drilled that Maxim in me. There's one thing in being nice to our students, but students exercise that to be something that it's not. By you providing said student with tangible things, you've violated said Maxim, even though you were just being kind. Said student used you for selfish reasons. But, that act of kindness was unrewarded in like kindness. Quitting, no big deal. If students want to quit, then quit! I don't care one way or another if a student stays or leaves because I'm complete in my totality as a martial artist.

Show some thoughtful kindness, and then you get treated badly. My Dai-Soke took the Maxim one level deeper. Getting personal with said students CAN be the same when we provide kindness in a tangible way. It's a thin line, and it's one that gets disrespected over and over.

From time to time we drop our guards, and we forget that one Instructors Maxim..."Don't get personal with any student!" I don't go to the house of students! I don't allow students to come to my house! Want to see me, then see me at the dojo, and if I want to see them, I'll wait until they come to the dojo.

Wants one to do? Darn if we do and darn if we don't!!

[GJEC]

Pretty much disagree with the sentiments expressed above.

Each to their own and it's not for me to tell others how to run their dojo. But once people start talking about how to interact with people I feel the need to challenge that.

In a society as structured as early Japan or early Europe where 'everyone knew their place', I suppose the idea of the top man keeping a distance was perfectly reasonable. We're now in the 21st century though, so that kind of thing just puts people off.

Some might take that as a sure sign they cannot accept discipline etc, but I wonder about the ones that meekly do. I don't want students that know how to bow but not how to express an opinion. I count some of my students as my best friends and consider myself lucky to call them so.

I even married one.



Gary

[wullie]

Yup, agree with Gary, I'm a coach and count the folks at my club as close friends, we train together, party together and are there for each other also like Gary I married one of them

[jellyfish292001]

I agree that many of my students have become good friends and many of my good friends have become students. I too have found that people not only take your generosity but often expect more. I have over time being a single parent of 2 boys supported other young mums or parents to pay for gis or equipment over time only for them to leave or not bother finishing to pay. I have also had others where I have passed on to them 2nd hand gis or tshirts who will hint that their child is now growing out of the freebie.
I refuse to let these people change the way I interact with my students and am happy that the people I help who do support who appreciate it grow and move on with in the club and will often do the same. In fact a few of my child students have asked to allowed to pass on their own hoodies or t-shirts they have outgrown to another student they feel would like it.