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Jokes
Jul 5, 2011 9:56:29 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 5, 2011 9:56:29 GMT -5
I went to a Star Wars themed restaurant last night, and ordered the Wookie Burger.
I'm afraid it was Chewy.
A woman goes to the doctor and complains, "Doc, I have the worst gas. I fart constantly. These farts are completely silent, and they don't smell, but they just keep coming. You probably don't even realize it, but I have been farting since I walked in this room."
The doctor examines the woman, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
After a week, the woman returns and exclaims, "Doctor, I don't know what those pills were, but I'm still farting. They're still silent but now they stink to high heaven."
"OK," the doctor responds, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's check your hearing."
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids,when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other? She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse'.
'Oh', Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said,
'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you'.
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2011 14:07:56 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Jul 5, 2011 14:07:56 GMT -5
;D ;D
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2011 9:48:00 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 11, 2011 9:48:00 GMT -5
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on holiday and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2011 10:32:52 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jul 11, 2011 10:32:52 GMT -5
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2011 12:30:57 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 11, 2011 12:30:57 GMT -5
It's really good to see you being green, Gary... ...with all this joke recycling! ;D
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Jokes
Jul 18, 2011 11:01:03 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Jul 18, 2011 11:01:03 GMT -5
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. " P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk" I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
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monty
Member
Posts: 1,671
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2011 7:56:17 GMT -5
Post by monty on Jul 22, 2011 7:56:17 GMT -5
Ros saw this on the BBC website earlier today. I assume it has been taken down or corrected now
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Jokes
Aug 31, 2011 9:28:31 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Aug 31, 2011 9:28:31 GMT -5
They said I'd never beat my Phil Collins addiction. But take a look at me now.
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Jokes
Sept 2, 2011 7:02:13 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Sept 2, 2011 7:02:13 GMT -5
Taken from an email I received......
the Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules" From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something - Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Jan van Riebeeck did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby or Cricket or Motorsports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Jokes
Sept 2, 2011 9:14:39 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Sept 2, 2011 9:14:39 GMT -5
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. LMFAO ;D Who he?
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Sept 2, 2011 14:09:36 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Sept 2, 2011 14:09:36 GMT -5
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Sept 2, 2011 14:41:21 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Sept 2, 2011 14:41:21 GMT -5
I was in Boots earlier and overheard a very old couple approaching the counter.
"What shall we get, smooth or ribbed?"
"You decide, you'll enjoy it more than me"
"What, you mean we won't BOTH get some pleasure?"
It was quite a relief when I saw they were buying a hot water bottle ...
Gary
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Jokes
Sept 9, 2011 9:57:17 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Sept 9, 2011 9:57:17 GMT -5
TOOLS DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-B**** TOOL : (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Sept 12, 2011 8:18:43 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Sept 12, 2011 8:18:43 GMT -5
This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kirkcaldy High School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could at last tell her to f*** off. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Isa.
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2011 8:59:30 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Sept 15, 2011 8:59:30 GMT -5
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "How to be Forceful and Get What You Want."
He went to his wife and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His wife replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my first guess."
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