wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Jun 1, 2011 17:16:58 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Jun 1, 2011 17:16:58 GMT -5
I'm going to grade for godan under Steve Arce . Osu! Too late, I just got my snakebelt from him, I now have the power to defeat the red spider ninja!!!!!
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2011 4:25:38 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jun 10, 2011 4:25:38 GMT -5
First the joke:
A religious nut prays every day, "Please, please, please. I need to win the lottery"
Every day, on his knees, begging and pleading. He wins F*** all.
Eventually he gets bitter. He renounces his faith and screams half mad at the sky, "Why? You let me down. I prayed but you never answered!"
At which a huge voice booms out, "Meet me halfway, buy a F***ing ticket"
Relevance to karate:
Why do parents moan when we can't turn lazy kids into steely-eyed fighters? Meet us halfway kids. Make some effort!
Gary
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2011 5:42:08 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jun 10, 2011 5:42:08 GMT -5
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, oven, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Jun 13, 2011 3:01:22 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Jun 13, 2011 3:01:22 GMT -5
genuine advert from facebook! even with my bad spelling i noticed this! that just cracked me up!
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monty
Member
Posts: 1,671
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Jokes
Jun 13, 2011 6:52:25 GMT -5
Post by monty on Jun 13, 2011 6:52:25 GMT -5
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Jun 13, 2011 7:06:14 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Jun 13, 2011 7:06:14 GMT -5
Thats it Monty!!! ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jun 14, 2011 8:50:30 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jun 14, 2011 8:50:30 GMT -5
My wife told me to get a ***** enlarger.
So I did, but she's still not happy.
(She's 21 with big ****)
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Jokes
Jun 14, 2011 11:04:52 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Jun 14, 2011 11:04:52 GMT -5
LOL Gary!!!
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2011 9:50:58 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jun 17, 2011 9:50:58 GMT -5
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet shop owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2011 11:18:09 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Jun 17, 2011 11:18:09 GMT -5
Nice. That is hilarious.
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2011 11:29:08 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jun 17, 2011 11:29:08 GMT -5
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2011 15:55:20 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Jun 17, 2011 15:55:20 GMT -5
WOW-EE ;D
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Jokes
Jun 21, 2011 9:34:17 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jun 21, 2011 9:34:17 GMT -5
For the husbands An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
For the wives A little boy went up to his mother and asked: 'Mum, where did my intelligence come from?' The mother replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your father, because I still have mine.'
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2011 15:21:56 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jun 23, 2011 15:21:56 GMT -5
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Orangeville , Ontario, Canada was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things..
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me".
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2011 15:50:20 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Jun 23, 2011 15:50:20 GMT -5
Sad but true. LOL.
;D
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