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Jokes
May 16, 2011 6:03:29 GMT -5
Post by jcc on May 16, 2011 6:03:29 GMT -5
Osu! I hope this doesn´t offend anyone here: From the BBC - by John Cleese. ANNOUNCEMENT The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "p***ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
May 16, 2011 7:30:42 GMT -5
Post by wullie on May 16, 2011 7:30:42 GMT -5
LMAO!!! i am actually sore from laughing at that one JCC! Thanks for sharing that! ;D ;D ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 16, 2011 10:24:29 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 16, 2011 10:24:29 GMT -5
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we made love over Fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and see if we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' They walked haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks ... Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence ... The old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in ... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the world has ever seen ... This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, The old couple struggle to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The old lady say's 'That was something else!' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'How was I to know they'd put in an electric fence'
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Jokes
May 16, 2011 11:15:18 GMT -5
Post by MMX on May 16, 2011 11:15:18 GMT -5
Oh man Gary!
That one was good!
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Jokes
May 17, 2011 2:24:22 GMT -5
Post by Ros on May 17, 2011 2:24:22 GMT -5
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 19, 2011 8:07:41 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 19, 2011 8:07:41 GMT -5
How true!!!! In the queue at the shop, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologised to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment!" He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. They walked to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two miles. But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Wales. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for them. When they packaged a fragile item to send in by post, they used a screwed up old newspaper to cushion it, not polystyrene or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode in the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pizza Hut.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
Gary
Why did I put this in jokes? I've just been charged 1p for a bag - I'd spend £59.00 on books - in WHSmith. "For the environment" That's a bloody joke.
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 1:45:56 GMT -5
Post by Ros on May 20, 2011 1:45:56 GMT -5
Ssshh, Gary or everyone will know how old you are! ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 1:51:01 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 20, 2011 1:51:01 GMT -5
LOL
That's true. I remember going round to peoples houses asking if they'd got any bottles to take back.
Happy days.
Gary
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 4:16:20 GMT -5
Post by senshido on May 20, 2011 4:16:20 GMT -5
!" Why did I put this in jokes? I've just been charged 1p for a bag - I'd spend £59.00 on books - in WHSmith. "For the environment" That's a bloody joke. was this an audition for the Victor Meldrew job?? ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 4:27:14 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 20, 2011 4:27:14 GMT -5
I think I may well have said,
"I don't be-loody be-lieve it!"
Gary
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 6:48:14 GMT -5
Post by senshido on May 20, 2011 6:48:14 GMT -5
;D ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 24, 2011 1:02:30 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 24, 2011 1:02:30 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 30, 2011 4:13:45 GMT -5
Post by senshido on May 30, 2011 4:13:45 GMT -5
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ' I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.' The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much. The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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Jokes
May 30, 2011 10:56:37 GMT -5
Post by MMX on May 30, 2011 10:56:37 GMT -5
Nice. Yeah that would be a shock if you were not use to it haha.
;D
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Post by powerof0ne on Jun 1, 2011 15:25:14 GMT -5
I'm going to grade for godan under Steve Arce . Osu!
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