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Jokes
May 25, 2012 4:16:08 GMT -5
Post by senshido on May 25, 2012 4:16:08 GMT -5
I have unashamedly stolen this joke.....
I thought my vegetable garden was haunted by the ghost of Robin Gibb... but on closer inspection it was just the chives talking!
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
May 30, 2012 10:47:44 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on May 30, 2012 10:47:44 GMT -5
A group of OAPs were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully,
"Thank God we can all still drive."
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Jokes
May 30, 2012 11:25:26 GMT -5
Post by MMX on May 30, 2012 11:25:26 GMT -5
Oh man seriously. I see that on the road sometimes...
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2012 11:28:16 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jun 11, 2012 11:28:16 GMT -5
A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2012 12:16:59 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Jun 11, 2012 12:16:59 GMT -5
another class advert for Scotland's other national drink...........
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2012 6:06:29 GMT -5
Post by alan on Jul 13, 2012 6:06:29 GMT -5
Robin Van Persie the Arsenal want away striker had his house set on fire last night.
Police suspect Arsene!
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2012 2:34:47 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 24, 2012 2:34:47 GMT -5
My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.
"Nice car," I said as he got out.
"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "If you knuckle down, work hard & put the hours in, I'll have an even better one next year!"
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2012 15:15:41 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jul 25, 2012 15:15:41 GMT -5
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist!'
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2012 7:15:56 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 27, 2012 7:15:56 GMT -5
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2012 10:06:05 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Jul 27, 2012 10:06:05 GMT -5
Couldn't resist posting this one:
My grandad had to endure both pepper spray and mustard gas during the war.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
*groans* ;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Jul 29, 2012 3:54:25 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Jul 29, 2012 3:54:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
Aug 8, 2012 7:22:29 GMT -5
Post by alan on Aug 8, 2012 7:22:29 GMT -5
What we have been waiting for folks!
The first sailing results are in from 2012
New Zealand have taken the gold, Austraia have taken the silver and Somalia have taken a middle aged couple from Weymouth!!
Guy proudly says to his girlfriend, " Hey, my olympic gold condoms have arrived!!"
Girlfriend, " They could have done with being silver! "
Guy, " Why? "
Girlfriend, " You could do with coming second for a change!! "
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2012 9:34:34 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Aug 10, 2012 9:34:34 GMT -5
My bear's diarrhoea problems are beginning to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
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curlbroscience
Member
Testing the waters. Thanks for the forum MMX!
Posts: 1,517
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2012 10:51:19 GMT -5
Post by curlbroscience on Aug 10, 2012 10:51:19 GMT -5
HA Those would have been great cover pictures for the respective books.
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2012 13:50:52 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Aug 10, 2012 13:50:52 GMT -5
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