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Post by MMX on Aug 11, 2012 23:50:04 GMT -5
Sounds about right Gary!!
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2012 9:57:05 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Sept 13, 2012 9:57:05 GMT -5
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
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David Cameron walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Cameron: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Cameron: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister?"
Cameron stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2012 11:33:42 GMT -5
Post by alan on Sept 25, 2012 11:33:42 GMT -5
You need access to British T.V to understand this one:
The Pope went to Northern Ireland. He asked Paddy what he thought of County Down?
Paddy replied, it`s been shite since that Carol Vorderman left!
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2012 2:44:26 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Sept 26, 2012 2:44:26 GMT -5
I love a science joke, me:
Pascal, Einstein and Newton are all in the garden, playing hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting "1... 2... 3..."
Pascal immediately runs off and hides in some trees.
Newton moves to the patio, and produces a stick of chalk. With it, he draws a square around him, a little over three feet to a side.
Einstein reaches twenty, opens his eyes, and walks right over to Newton.
"Found you, Newton!" he says.
"I disagree" replies Newton
"You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal."
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2012 10:22:57 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Oct 24, 2012 10:22:57 GMT -5
From NewsBiscuit:
Hairless porn stars are being urged to ‘do their bit’ for the endangered merkin, by offering them somewhere warm to hibernate for the winter. With fewer than 80 breeding pairs remaining in the wild, Grizzly Merkins could soon go the way of the cleft ferret.
Professor of outdoor hirsutes Ben Holmes believes the industry’s total rejection of any kind of fur is bad news for the merkin, once prized for its unusually triangular pelt. But with complaints that merkin farming left too much to the imagination, the lovable beasts have nearly been shaved into extinction.
‘With such a bushy covering, merkins find it hard to tell where they’re going or what they should be doing’, explained Holmes. ‘Particularly the males, who struggle to look beyond the end of their nose.’ Once abundant on the mounds and deltas that surround Hollywood, they’re now so rare they’re hardly mentioned. But Holmes is relentless in his enthusiasm for the creatures, and believes that with the right encouragement, they could soon be back on everyone’s lips.
Holmes is striving to create the right conditions for merkins, to allow them to recover an area last not seen in the ‘70s. ‘While a lot of footage from the era is out of focus, obscured by ‘repairmen’ or worn out by constant rewinding, you can still tell that merkins were abundant and much sought after”, he insisted. “By recreating conditions with the right levels of orange wallpaper and the theme from ‘Shaft’, we could encourage them to breed vigorously, with a slightly reduced risk of chafing.’
Holmes claims he now understands why previous attempts to pluck the merkin from obscurity were counter-productive, ‘we were far too clinical when we approached the problem with a razor-like tenacity’, he admitted. ‘We’re now using a softer focus, to create a safer, more moody environment. If we can only find a way to reintroduce them to this barren landscape, it could be a sign that we’ve finally come of age.’
;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2012 10:29:39 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Oct 24, 2012 10:29:39 GMT -5
with the right encouragement, they could soon be back on everyone’s lips. ;D ROFPMSL Where do you find these nature reports Ros? Gary
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2012 13:29:15 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Oct 28, 2012 13:29:15 GMT -5
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Jokes
Oct 29, 2012 11:11:48 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Oct 29, 2012 11:11:48 GMT -5
Wow. Really? That is a good one Gary.
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Nov 4, 2012 5:13:19 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Nov 4, 2012 5:13:19 GMT -5
Medical examination
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her panties ...
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2012 13:32:12 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Nov 6, 2012 13:32:12 GMT -5
MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2012 15:40:47 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Nov 6, 2012 15:40:47 GMT -5
Hey we have great beer here now!! Sure Budweiser/Miller/Coors is crap but we have real breweries here now Like Sam Adams,Sierra Nevada and Dogfish Head,Etc.
Otherwise pretty funny!
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Jokes
Nov 12, 2012 11:17:18 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Nov 12, 2012 11:17:18 GMT -5
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies' Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a tenner. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the tenner and stuck it to his bum cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a twenty pound note. She called the guy back, licks the £20, and sticks it to his other cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a fifty pound note, calls the guy over, licks the £50 . I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my purse. What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my debit card, swiped it down the crack of his arse, grabbed the eighty quid, and left!
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A woman visited a world-renowned psychic.
In a dark and unnaturally cold room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, my dear so I'll just tell you what I see: your husband is a powerful man, but prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death later this year."
Visibly shaken, the customer stared at the woman's wrinkled, wise-looking face, then at the flickering candle on the table, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
"I simply have to know one thing," she finally says. The fortune teller met her gaze.
The woman steadied her voice, and finally got the words out:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2012 9:32:17 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Nov 19, 2012 9:32:17 GMT -5
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2012 16:29:14 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Nov 19, 2012 16:29:14 GMT -5
LOL Gary
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Dec 11, 2012 12:54:41 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Dec 11, 2012 12:54:41 GMT -5
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