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Jokes
Mar 10, 2011 8:02:36 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Mar 10, 2011 8:02:36 GMT -5
I'm liking this jokes page already!!
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hangtime
Member
Adapt. Evolve. Thrive.
Posts: 202
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Jokes
Mar 10, 2011 10:54:26 GMT -5
Post by hangtime on Mar 10, 2011 10:54:26 GMT -5
Same here Senshido...but I'm waiting for Ros to take the gloves off
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2011 5:41:12 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 11, 2011 5:41:12 GMT -5
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's the matter?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.'You rotten B****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2011 7:16:43 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Mar 11, 2011 7:16:43 GMT -5
LMAO! good one Ros!
listing to a old fella muttering away to himself in the corner of a remote Outer Hebrides pub, "all those boats in the bay, i built them but do they call me MacTavish the boat builder. NO, they don't!. all those houses in the glen, i built them but do they call me MacTavish the house builder. NO, they don't!. i shag one sheep..........."
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2011 10:27:11 GMT -5
Post by sandman on Mar 11, 2011 10:27:11 GMT -5
Good one Wullie - reminds me a bit of this one:
An old Southern Baptist preacher was on the pulpit in church one morning inviting all the congregation to come down to the front, confess their sins before the church and god, and earn everlasting life in heaven.
"Come down and tell it all! Tell your deepest darkest secrets and you will live forever in heaven! Tell it all brothers and sisters, tell it all!"
A number of the congregation do just that. Confessions of lying, stealing and fighting are forgiven and the church members are exonnerated in the eyes of the lord.
Finally brother John feels the call and makes his way down to the preacher.
The preacher says: "Brother John, how have you sinned? Tell it all brother John, tell it all!"
Brother John says "Well preacher I've been having impure thoughts."
The preacher answers: "Brother John, we are all sinners! The lord will forgive your sins - tell it all brother John, tell it all!"
Brother John goes on: "Preacher, I confess that I've been unfaithful to my wife."
The preacher responds: "Brother John, you are only human. Confess and you shall be set free! Tell it all brother John, tell it all!"
Brother John expounds some more: "Preacher, last night I had sexual relations with my horse."
.........Silence............
The preacher says: "Damn brother John, I don't believe I'd have told that!"
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hangtime
Member
Adapt. Evolve. Thrive.
Posts: 202
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2011 13:20:06 GMT -5
Post by hangtime on Mar 11, 2011 13:20:06 GMT -5
LOL!!!!!
Good one Ros and Sandman!
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2011 14:29:34 GMT -5
Post by bobh on Mar 11, 2011 14:29:34 GMT -5
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me."
"talking to the beer."
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2011 2:50:14 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 13, 2011 2:50:14 GMT -5
I went to the funeral of a bukkake fan yesterday.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house!
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2011 5:01:06 GMT -5
Post by walshy on Mar 13, 2011 5:01:06 GMT -5
I went to the funeral of a bukkake fan yesterday. There wasn't a dry eye in the house! Very good ;D
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wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2011 5:10:59 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Mar 13, 2011 5:10:59 GMT -5
I went to the funeral of a bukkake fan yesterday. There wasn't a dry eye in the house! LMAO!!! Very naughty Ros! ;D ;D
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2011 13:24:59 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Mar 13, 2011 13:24:59 GMT -5
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me." "talking to the beer." ;D ;D My kinda guy!! ;D
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Jokes
Mar 15, 2011 8:45:55 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 15, 2011 8:45:55 GMT -5
A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The guy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2011 13:50:31 GMT -5
Post by pandorasvise on Mar 16, 2011 13:50:31 GMT -5
OMG Ros, I could have peed myself laughing! A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's the matter?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.'You rotten B****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 16:14:23 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Mar 18, 2011 16:14:23 GMT -5
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deans Gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking..
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Gary
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 16:56:12 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Mar 18, 2011 16:56:12 GMT -5
YES!
LMAO.
That is hilarious.
;D
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