wullie
Member
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Posts: 725
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 17:11:39 GMT -5
Post by wullie on Mar 18, 2011 17:11:39 GMT -5
LMAO! Gary that is class!
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2011 4:57:10 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Mar 21, 2011 4:57:10 GMT -5
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2011 13:07:01 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Mar 22, 2011 13:07:01 GMT -5
An old couple knew death was getting close, so they secretly had headstones made for each other. On their demise they were buried side by side.
Hers: "Here lies Doris. Cold as usual"
His: "Here lies Fred. Stiff at last"
Gary
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2011 7:41:10 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Mar 24, 2011 7:41:10 GMT -5
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2011 7:50:33 GMT -5
Post by kvw on Mar 24, 2011 7:50:33 GMT -5
THE HONEYMOON
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox?
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2011 8:03:40 GMT -5
Post by senshido on Mar 24, 2011 8:03:40 GMT -5
LMAO gary & kvw... a couple of good ones
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2011 8:06:54 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 28, 2011 8:06:54 GMT -5
A man checks into a hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'.
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2011 8:27:09 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Mar 28, 2011 8:27:09 GMT -5
Poor old FredinChina posted this on K4L but it got removed. I take delight posting it here:
Two French Paratroopers were attached to the SAS for training. One went out first. On his return his comrade asked how it went.
"Mon amie, it was terrible. First zey told me to jump off ze 5 foot platform. I said it was beneath my dignity and refused. Zen they took me to ze 10 foot platform. I said zat was beneath my dignty and refused. So zey took me to a 100 foot platform. Again I refused. Zen a big sergeant took zis huge willy out and said he's stick it up ze bum if I didn't jump"
"Did zat make you jump?"
"For a while, yes"
Gary
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2011 8:57:34 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 28, 2011 8:57:34 GMT -5
;D
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2011 9:23:23 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 28, 2011 9:23:23 GMT -5
A policeman pulls a blonde driver over after witnessing her weaving side to side down the road before eventually crashing into a lamppost.
"Oh officer it was terrible" she explains "as I was driving along suddenly there was a tree in front of me, so I swerved to avoid it, only to see another tree directly ahead so I swerved again to avoid that one, but there was a third tree in front of me so I swerved to avoid that one, and there was another, and another and another...its dangerous, why would they plant so many trees down the middle of the road?"
The policeman glances inside the car and matter of factly says "Madam, that's your air freshener."
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2011 9:00:30 GMT -5
Post by Ros on Mar 30, 2011 9:00:30 GMT -5
Just watched some Japanese soccer - at the end of the game they started doing martial arts. I was wondering what they were doing and then realised it was 2 minutes of ninjary time.
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2011 10:50:25 GMT -5
Post by MMX on Mar 30, 2011 10:50:25 GMT -5
OH jeez! Some good ones and some cheeky ones too!
Thanks guys!
;D
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GJEC
Member
LOUGHBOROUGH ENSHIN
Posts: 3,218
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Jokes
Apr 1, 2011 11:34:19 GMT -5
Post by GJEC on Apr 1, 2011 11:34:19 GMT -5
A Welshman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are due to be shot at dawn.
"Any last requests?"
Welshman "I'd like a choir to sing Land of my Fathers"
Irishman "To see Riverdance one last time"
Scotsman "A pipe band playing Flower of Scotland"
The Englishman just shakes his head and says, "Yeah, shoot me first"
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Post by senshido on Apr 3, 2011 4:28:13 GMT -5
;D
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2011 10:45:40 GMT -5
Post by alan on Apr 7, 2011 10:45:40 GMT -5
english actor, jewish ventrilquist, scottish comedian and a welsh singer meet in a hotel and decide to have dinner and drinks! glug, glug....scoff, scoff.....................
seven hours later it`s bill time, the scottish comedian says, "don`t worry lads, i`ll pay the bill"....and off they all went!
the headline in the news paper the next day were:
"scottish comedian arrested for murdering jewish ventrilquist!"
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